Some thoughts

A new week at work starts for me tomorrow and I look forward to it but also have a sense of apprehension. I am new to this world of work it seems. I am back to work for the first time since quitting my job at the church. A job that I so dearly loved and miss.

I was a director of an after school program for elementary children. I have always loved working with kids. It has been my hearts desire to have my own children since I became engaged at 18 to my wonderful husband. I dreamed of nurturing and holding my own child's hand, but it was only a dream to me for many years through infertility. So I took to my work as any woman does who struggles in this area. I loved my work. I became pregnant with my first baby just after christmas in December 2001. I was overjoyed that the Lord finally answered my calls for help. The weeks were short that I held that baby in my womb for it was destined not to spend a life on earth with us but to be taken care of by my Lord, much to my dismay. I will never know why I was unable to carry the little one. Only just a few months later I became pregnant and then proceeded to lose that baby as well to miscarriage. I was crushed... actually devastated. I thought what a cruel joke life has played me. All I did was want one child to hold and love. Was that too much to ask for?

My mind went in a downward spiral so fast and I quit my beloved job and stayed home to mourn the lives lost and try to find my way back to God. It was my husband and my thoughts that working was much to stressful on my body and I needed some time off to heal. 6 months after leaving the church, I became pregnant again. I was overjoyed and much too hesitant to beleive that this could the one. I prayed night and day for the life I carried in my womb. My husband and I visited a waterfall in Oregon that has become a place of respit for us. This place was special to us, as this was the exact place he proposed marriage to me. I began praying while on a visit there in my early pregnancy and felt God tell me that he was protecting us and this child would come to be. It is difficult to explain how I knew I felt God's presence but I just knew he was there and there was this unexplainable peace that washed over me. The child did come to live. He is my miracle baby! I will forever think of him as such. I am so blessed.

I proceeded to stay at home for the next few years raising my son and being a stay at home mom. I believed that was where God wanted me. I always knew that God held another purpose for my life though. Something that goes beyond being a mother (which can be all consuming) a wife, a sister, and a daughter. All of those things I am and claim proudly, but yet I feel a pull to be in the world, so to speak, to make a difference in the world.

I have been reading blogs lately that speak of a woman who spoke on Good Morning America about what she feels a woman ought to be at home and in the workplace. I cannot comment on what she said since I did not watch it. All I can say is what is right for me. I believe that every woman has a purpose. Some are to be moms of greatness, and some are to work. I also beleive that some women will never realize their purpose's. I watched a movie this morning about "Esther", a woman in the bible who was a jew who became a Queen of Persia. She came to her position I believe to save her people from certain death. Her purpose was for such a time as that. Now, not every woman has such a great purpose in thier lives. Some woman have been greatly gifted with "mucho" patience to raise lots of lovely children. I don't happen to be one of those people.

I recently went back to work as an Administrative Receptionist at a growing Real Estate company in the Bay area. The feelings this job have rose up again in me have been ones I have not felt in years. The feeling that I can help people is great to me. It gives me great joy to assist people. Don't get me wrong, I still love my family and my son with all my heart. It gives me great sadness to be away from my son all day long but in my situtation I know he is in the best hands besides mine as he could be. I love being a mom but I also know that God does have another purpose for my life. And I will continue to strive for such until that time comes. I serve my Lord first and if that means I work and am a mom then I am happy to appease.