I'm torn

As each day passes it becomes more clear how big the emotional and educational differences are between my 2 sons.  As everyone knows, comparing 2 children is dangerous territory, but in the back of my mind I still find myself thinking of how different my 2 boys really are.  I'm not using different in a bad connotation either, please know that I see how completely unique and special my children are.  However, it is hard for me to recognize how cognitively developmentally delayed Josiah is.  Even without comparing to others, brother or peer, he struggles greatly with so many things it breaks my heart.  Emotionally he struggles to keep composure when in public and especially at school, amidst difficult people there.  Educationally, even though I think he is about average for his age, which in and of itself is great for him, he struggles with not only handwriting but getting thoughts to gel into a sentence, then to have write that down, yikes, it becomes a hurricane of emotions! And I'm not even mentioning his struggles relationally with friends and family.  He still struggles with knowing how to start an appropriate conversation with a peer, how to play reciprocally with peers (and his brother!) as well as keeping his composure when in a difficult situation.

Then on the other hand I look at Jacob and how easily reading is coming to him.  In first grade he is reading so well, he already hit benchmarks for the end of the school year and it's only December! Josiah didn't read at this level until 3rd grade! (I know I just entered dangerous territory) Jacob has so many great friends at school.  He is learning very quickly how to manage his body, and all the wiggles he has, in order to have a good day at school. By November he had already hit end of school year benchmarks in Math. (As a side note I am always completely amazed that my children are so good in Math, since I hate it so much!). In first grade, Josiah was still learning how to sit in class in class with peers let alone reading or math. Do you remember that it was first grade that Josiah ran way from school and the school lost him in the maze of tall downtown buildings? Yeah, that really happened.

One thing that I find solace in is how much love and empathy Jacob has for Josiah.  Jacob and I had a very sweet talk this morning about how Josiah tried to talk to him about a problem he's having with a friend at school.  Jacob feels bad that his brother struggles with his friends and at school so much, he said he wishes that Josiah could just be happy all the time and not feel so bad about himself.
I love my children so much and realize every single day how much of a blessings each are to me but also how important they are to each other. My heart is full and today, and this Christmas season, I will try my hardest to focus on how blessed we are to be together and really, truly love each other!