I know no other way to describe my almost daily feeling these days. And I know that it seems weird to start this post this way when my last post consisted of entirely my happy thoughts. If I must be honest though... I had to dig deep to find those happy times in my life. Please forgive this depressing post but this is simply how I feel... and isn't that what blogging is for, writing about your life. Well currently this is my life...
I work as a receptionist at a real estate company 50 miles away from my home. And on most days that means an hour and 20 minute drive EACH WAY to work. Plus working an 8 hour shift and a one hour lunch... well you can do math but that means nearly 12 hrs away from home Mon-Fri. Now most of you know my prior life (last year) consisted of me staying home with my son and my hubby working back breaking flooring work to pay the bills ( but didn't really make enough). So to go from being home with my son, to now being away from him from 7am in the morning till 6:30pm most days, is absolutely heartbreakig. To make matters worse for me, my son really needs me right now. I feel like I am losing an important relationship that I have worked at from his birth, it's slipping through my fingers. I come home at night to either make dinner (if hubby isn't home yet) and/or eat dinner and most nights fall exhausted on the couch and maybe read a book or two to my son and play cars with him on the couch before putting him to bed. My husband tells me that I am so stressed out all the time. I declare I am completely at my wits end and cannot live this way. He also is stressed so it doesn't help matters. Am I not supposed to be my husband's help-meet? A fine wife I make these days with most days filled with conversations ended in frustration, with both my husband and my son. I don't want to feel to upset all the time but I feel like how can I help it when I feel like my whole world has dumped me into some kind whirlwind life that I am so completely unfamiliar with. How do women live these lives? How do you work 8 hour days(plus lunchtime and driving times making it longer) and keep your house clean, the clothes washed, dinner on the table, your son well taken care of and loved and keep a solid realtionship with him, and teach him how to talk, and maybe a potty training session when you can, play games with him, give him baths, take the dog for a walk and well maintained(groomed, fed etc.), and plan meals for the next week and shop for groceries... among many other duties? Just tell me... are there really enough hours in the day? I say never!
Well, I decided that I simply cannot continue in this, I have to better this situation. I asked for and got fridays off at my current job so that I can spend more time at home with son. If I feel like I can make some progress with his and my relationship then maybe I can adjust better to this new life. What should be more important is my relationship with my hubby. But we are just kinda drifting in the wind right now, occasionally crossing paths when the wind blows us the same direction. I know all relationships have down times but this one is just sad I guess. I don't have any friends here in my new place. I do have my sister but what little time we do get together always includes our children and sometimes hubbies. I do pour out my heart to her on occasion but there is only so much you can dump on one person who already deals with so much. She has been so wonderful just to take the burden of watching my son during the day while I work. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that my whole life, everything in it, is all crazy and I feel like I'm trying to swim to the top for air. Maybe soon, I will be able to find another job, one closer to home and things won't seem so difficult. I know too that we will settle one of these days, but waiting for that day to come seems neverending.
Sorry to end on somber note.. but I think I have said enough.
Blessings to you.
Oregon Coast
3 comments:
Jennifer,
My heart totally goes out to you. I know you and Jonny had good intentions when you moved to California, but I was afraid this would happen. I wish I knew the right words to say to you, but I don't; I just feel for you. Hang in there, sweetheart.
I thought I left a really nice encouraging note here for you yesterday, but apparently it didn't take. But here's what my P.S. was going to be:
When you are feeling down, read back over your previous note....Happy Thoughts!
Julia
Okay, so here's another attempt at the encouraging words...
As you know I haven't been blessed w/ Motherhood - yet, so don't feel all the qualified to offer suggestions, but my friend here at work does & I've asked her how she "does it all."
First let me tell you she too was able to be a stay at home Mom the first 7 months of her first child's life. It was very difficult for her to go back to work, and she was very angry at her husband. But she has a deadbeat of a husband that can't keep down a job. You of course don't have that...you know he will do whatever he can do to support you. And she too knew that her daughter was in good hands. It was actually a blessing to the lady that was watching her baby since she was never able to have kids of her own. Now you know that Josiah is in the best possible hands he could be in outside of yours or Jonny's. So you have to be at peace with the care he is getting. But the real key is that she follows the will of God and leaves all the problems to Him to solve. (She's actually quite a witness here next to me.) You too have God in your life and can trust in Him.
When you do get to spend time w/ hubby, enjoy each other and cherish the time with him instead of resenting the time you don't get to spend w/ him while you are with him (does that make sense?).
As you said you are just going thru a huge adjustment period and it takes some getting used to. So before long I hope to be asking you how you do it all, since that's what I'm going to need to hear when I finally am blessed w/ motherhood and have to go back to work full time.
And don't forget....we're not just readers here...we care about you & if this is how you are feeling, put it all out there. We care about you & will offer our support and encouragement over the miles as best we can.
Love you,
Julia
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