Beyond pretty pictures

Often times I feel like the world see my world through a series of facebook posts and pictures.  These posts can be deceiving.  Sharing the "whole" story behind each pretty picture can be so intimate and painful that it's not considered normal to over-share ones burdens in this way.

This blog post will be a truthful "snapshot" into what I'm dealing with currently.  It will be impossible to really share it all, so keep in mind that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

At first glance this is a great family shot.  Jacob is down in the tidepools busy trying to catch a fish with his hands.  Brody, our dog, is busy enjoying every second of running free at the best dog park in the world!  I had found peace and quiet at the top of this basalt column but that quickly ended when Josiah joined me to complain about how tired he was and how annoying his little brother was being.  This just shows the happy smiling family for the moment and not what we were really feeling.

On one hand, I was completely loving and enjoying my view.  Shown below...

Then in the next second life changes.  As is normal with everybody's daily life.  Our worlds and realities can change in an instant.

Our boys had been at each other all day.  Starting with arguments all morning at the campground. Jacob and Josiah view social situations completely different! I'm not even sure how Josiah sees the world because I'm at a loss!  All I know is Jacob always ends up the most hurt at the end of every situation. (Perhaps because he's the youngest) This particular situation started with the first picture above.  All seemed normal and to be going well.  Then all these small things add up.  Not enough sleep, constant arguing, bickering about who found the best rocks. etc etc.  Ten minutes later we're all walking down the beach (seen in the second picture down) back to our truck, and we're all picking up agates.  The next second I see Jacob crying hysterically, holding his neck, and Josiah is sitting in the beach looking at me like he's pissed off at the world (again). Sparing the few details I have yet to put together, Josiah stabbed his brother in the neck with a stick, narrowly missing his main artery.  Thankfully Jacob's neck didn't hardly bleed, and mostly looks like a big scrape.  These kind of violent outbreaks have been happening at an alarming rate around our home though.  This episode is just my last straw!

This last year we have all been victims of Josiah's violent outbursts.  He sees a multitude of specialists and is taking low doses of a couple different medications to control his mood, anger, and impulsiveness. (Absolutely no judgement here folks)  We have a therapist who comes to our home weekly that helps Josiah learn how to control himself on a daily basis.  Jonny and I have adjusted how we parent according to suggestions from his therapist and psychiatrist.  However, Josiah still continues on this spiral.  Yelling hateful(sometimes cursing) things at us, threatening to hurt himself or others, thrashing his room, running away (staying in the neighborhood but takes me a long time to find him!).  I'm just at a crossroads right now of where do we go from here.  Take him to the hospital to get more intense psychiatric help or even more scary call the police while he is in an "episode". However, I see these as just "episodes" and in no way describes who Josiah is as a whole person.  It is completely heartbreaking to see your child go down this path that I feel like I'm grabbing at straws to keep him from going down it further.  I'm at a difficult and heartbreaking crossroad behind all these pretty pictures.