The last few weeks in our household have been extremely difficult. Josiah's explosive episodes have worsened and we face the fact that we need to put safety above all else. As a parent my heart is breaking, and I wish I could explain the pain each of us is experiencing.
The look in Josiah's eyes yesterday when he asked what is going to happen, and the tears that welled up, literally took my breath away. When you see inside to the soul of your child and see the pain he is experiencing, it can rock you to the core.
Then you sit in all these meetings, where well meaning people talk about your options with such coldness, makes me so frustrated. Yes, I can see their point, but as a mommabear, inside my heart is screaming but don't you see the sweet boy deep inside there! Unfortunately most of those people do, they see the incredibly sweet soul he has, and what they are suggesting is meant for the benefit of growing that soul to adulthood. The entire team's end goal is to see him grow through these turbulent years, no matter how hard it gets, no matter what crappy decision we have to make, it is all to get him to that emotionally healthy adult we want him to be.
A couple weeks back we lived through a horrifying event in our home that left us all with heavily wounded hearts. It ended with a trip to the ER with a suicidal Josiah with scary thoughts, images and voices in his head that wouldn't stop. Sadly, we were eventually sent home, because our mental health system severely sucks sometimes! We have all been high alert since.
Jacob struggles daily with safety issues. He goes from being very scared, to completely and utterly so mad he can't control himself. His nightmares come frequently these days, and they all surround losing mommy.
We, as their parents, just try to survive each day with as little outbursts and explosions as possible. We are constantly diffusing difficult situations. We also live in fear of Josiah's next explosive episode, and hear the psychiatrist warn us that the next could be worse than the last. That in itself is enough the scare the crap out of me. The words that stick out to me the most is that of our new psychiatrist (whom has been a Child Psych for 28 years, and 20 of those being the director of Child Psychiatry at Rutgers) telling us that she doesn't want to be sitting in a meeting 6 months from now thinking we should have done something back then.
The decision before us is one that no parent would ever want to make. And considering we have already made some of the most difficult parenting decisions in the past 6 months, this one isn't any easier to swallow. Also, taking into consideration his emotional state of being "unstabily stable" we face an unthinkable choice. Psychiatric Residential Treatment Services. (PRTS) He has already attended 2 different acute level service facilities, which have just proven to perpetuate a vicious cycle for him. We know he is trying but he literally can't help himself, that is why its called Mental Illness. I don't have any answers right now, but we are on a path headed towards PRTS and we all struggle daily!
Thank you for your continued love and support!
Oregon Coast
Thursday, December 04, 2014
Thursday, October 09, 2014
Perspective is Everything!
I have learned to appreciate my blog for many reasons, but one important reason is the perspective it provides me.
Over the years we have added many developmental and neurological issues to Josiah's laundry list of diagnosis'. This summer we faced yet another that really wore me down. Mental illness in children is tricky; it doesn't present itself the same way as it does in adults. This makes diagnosis a long road. We have yet to get back testing results. I try to be patient, and often slug through my long days, doing everything in my power to make life live-able for all 4 of us. This is a long and lonely road for me at times.
No matter what your circumstance may be though, it is imperative to take a step back and look at your life and what trial you just made it through. Without this important step, you can never learn, and appreciate that you made it. I mean, We Made It! We survived this long and sometimes hellish summer! I needed to see that I kicked ass this summer. We watched our son fall into a deep, dark pit, and I reached down there and pulled him up. I sought help from many different organizations and through our insurance. We had to put him in 2 different facilities to stabilize him mentally and physically. It was the hardest thing I have done as a parent (and don't ever wish to do that again!). Honestly, it just sucked for all four us. Jonny worked hard this summer to get us stabilized financially, I worked hard to find and get support for our family, and Jacob struggled emotionally because of what he has suffered, plus he had a long and lonely summer!
Yesterday, I sat in a room full of Josiah's support system. Our monthly team meeting at Josiah's special school. There was me, Josiah's therapist at school, a special skills trainer, Josiah's personal therapist, a psychiatrist, and our county Care Coordinator. There was so much to discuss and make sure we are all on the same page. One thing that each of them did though, in their own way, was to praise me for all that I do. As I explained certain difficult situations that we need help with, each of them took turns to point out all that things that we did right, or are doing right. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that from all those professionals.
Todays perspective: 3 months ago we were in the middle of downward spiral that was so scary, it literally freaked me out! Today I sit here with a peacefulness that I never thought would be possible. I know that we have the right people on our team, and Josiah is getting the help he dearly needs. Sure, its still going to be a long road and we have quite a ways to go, but wow, We Made It!
Over the years we have added many developmental and neurological issues to Josiah's laundry list of diagnosis'. This summer we faced yet another that really wore me down. Mental illness in children is tricky; it doesn't present itself the same way as it does in adults. This makes diagnosis a long road. We have yet to get back testing results. I try to be patient, and often slug through my long days, doing everything in my power to make life live-able for all 4 of us. This is a long and lonely road for me at times.
No matter what your circumstance may be though, it is imperative to take a step back and look at your life and what trial you just made it through. Without this important step, you can never learn, and appreciate that you made it. I mean, We Made It! We survived this long and sometimes hellish summer! I needed to see that I kicked ass this summer. We watched our son fall into a deep, dark pit, and I reached down there and pulled him up. I sought help from many different organizations and through our insurance. We had to put him in 2 different facilities to stabilize him mentally and physically. It was the hardest thing I have done as a parent (and don't ever wish to do that again!). Honestly, it just sucked for all four us. Jonny worked hard this summer to get us stabilized financially, I worked hard to find and get support for our family, and Jacob struggled emotionally because of what he has suffered, plus he had a long and lonely summer!
Yesterday, I sat in a room full of Josiah's support system. Our monthly team meeting at Josiah's special school. There was me, Josiah's therapist at school, a special skills trainer, Josiah's personal therapist, a psychiatrist, and our county Care Coordinator. There was so much to discuss and make sure we are all on the same page. One thing that each of them did though, in their own way, was to praise me for all that I do. As I explained certain difficult situations that we need help with, each of them took turns to point out all that things that we did right, or are doing right. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that from all those professionals.
Todays perspective: 3 months ago we were in the middle of downward spiral that was so scary, it literally freaked me out! Today I sit here with a peacefulness that I never thought would be possible. I know that we have the right people on our team, and Josiah is getting the help he dearly needs. Sure, its still going to be a long road and we have quite a ways to go, but wow, We Made It!
Monday, June 02, 2014
Beyond pretty pictures
Often times I feel like the world see my world through a series of facebook posts and pictures. These posts can be deceiving. Sharing the "whole" story behind each pretty picture can be so intimate and painful that it's not considered normal to over-share ones burdens in this way.
This blog post will be a truthful "snapshot" into what I'm dealing with currently. It will be impossible to really share it all, so keep in mind that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
At first glance this is a great family shot. Jacob is down in the tidepools busy trying to catch a fish with his hands. Brody, our dog, is busy enjoying every second of running free at the best dog park in the world! I had found peace and quiet at the top of this basalt column but that quickly ended when Josiah joined me to complain about how tired he was and how annoying his little brother was being. This just shows the happy smiling family for the moment and not what we were really feeling.
On one hand, I was completely loving and enjoying my view. Shown below...
Then in the next second life changes. As is normal with everybody's daily life. Our worlds and realities can change in an instant.
Our boys had been at each other all day. Starting with arguments all morning at the campground. Jacob and Josiah view social situations completely different! I'm not even sure how Josiah sees the world because I'm at a loss! All I know is Jacob always ends up the most hurt at the end of every situation. (Perhaps because he's the youngest) This particular situation started with the first picture above. All seemed normal and to be going well. Then all these small things add up. Not enough sleep, constant arguing, bickering about who found the best rocks. etc etc. Ten minutes later we're all walking down the beach (seen in the second picture down) back to our truck, and we're all picking up agates. The next second I see Jacob crying hysterically, holding his neck, and Josiah is sitting in the beach looking at me like he's pissed off at the world (again). Sparing the few details I have yet to put together, Josiah stabbed his brother in the neck with a stick, narrowly missing his main artery. Thankfully Jacob's neck didn't hardly bleed, and mostly looks like a big scrape. These kind of violent outbreaks have been happening at an alarming rate around our home though. This episode is just my last straw!
This last year we have all been victims of Josiah's violent outbursts. He sees a multitude of specialists and is taking low doses of a couple different medications to control his mood, anger, and impulsiveness. (Absolutely no judgement here folks) We have a therapist who comes to our home weekly that helps Josiah learn how to control himself on a daily basis. Jonny and I have adjusted how we parent according to suggestions from his therapist and psychiatrist. However, Josiah still continues on this spiral. Yelling hateful(sometimes cursing) things at us, threatening to hurt himself or others, thrashing his room, running away (staying in the neighborhood but takes me a long time to find him!). I'm just at a crossroads right now of where do we go from here. Take him to the hospital to get more intense psychiatric help or even more scary call the police while he is in an "episode". However, I see these as just "episodes" and in no way describes who Josiah is as a whole person. It is completely heartbreaking to see your child go down this path that I feel like I'm grabbing at straws to keep him from going down it further. I'm at a difficult and heartbreaking crossroad behind all these pretty pictures.
This blog post will be a truthful "snapshot" into what I'm dealing with currently. It will be impossible to really share it all, so keep in mind that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
At first glance this is a great family shot. Jacob is down in the tidepools busy trying to catch a fish with his hands. Brody, our dog, is busy enjoying every second of running free at the best dog park in the world! I had found peace and quiet at the top of this basalt column but that quickly ended when Josiah joined me to complain about how tired he was and how annoying his little brother was being. This just shows the happy smiling family for the moment and not what we were really feeling.
On one hand, I was completely loving and enjoying my view. Shown below...
Then in the next second life changes. As is normal with everybody's daily life. Our worlds and realities can change in an instant.
Our boys had been at each other all day. Starting with arguments all morning at the campground. Jacob and Josiah view social situations completely different! I'm not even sure how Josiah sees the world because I'm at a loss! All I know is Jacob always ends up the most hurt at the end of every situation. (Perhaps because he's the youngest) This particular situation started with the first picture above. All seemed normal and to be going well. Then all these small things add up. Not enough sleep, constant arguing, bickering about who found the best rocks. etc etc. Ten minutes later we're all walking down the beach (seen in the second picture down) back to our truck, and we're all picking up agates. The next second I see Jacob crying hysterically, holding his neck, and Josiah is sitting in the beach looking at me like he's pissed off at the world (again). Sparing the few details I have yet to put together, Josiah stabbed his brother in the neck with a stick, narrowly missing his main artery. Thankfully Jacob's neck didn't hardly bleed, and mostly looks like a big scrape. These kind of violent outbreaks have been happening at an alarming rate around our home though. This episode is just my last straw!
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