The last few weeks in our household have been extremely difficult. Josiah's explosive episodes have worsened and we face the fact that we need to put safety above all else. As a parent my heart is breaking, and I wish I could explain the pain each of us is experiencing.
The look in Josiah's eyes yesterday when he asked what is going to happen, and the tears that welled up, literally took my breath away. When you see inside to the soul of your child and see the pain he is experiencing, it can rock you to the core.
Then you sit in all these meetings, where well meaning people talk about your options with such coldness, makes me so frustrated. Yes, I can see their point, but as a mommabear, inside my heart is screaming but don't you see the sweet boy deep inside there! Unfortunately most of those people do, they see the incredibly sweet soul he has, and what they are suggesting is meant for the benefit of growing that soul to adulthood. The entire team's end goal is to see him grow through these turbulent years, no matter how hard it gets, no matter what crappy decision we have to make, it is all to get him to that emotionally healthy adult we want him to be.
A couple weeks back we lived through a horrifying event in our home that left us all with heavily wounded hearts. It ended with a trip to the ER with a suicidal Josiah with scary thoughts, images and voices in his head that wouldn't stop. Sadly, we were eventually sent home, because our mental health system severely sucks sometimes! We have all been high alert since.
Jacob struggles daily with safety issues. He goes from being very scared, to completely and utterly so mad he can't control himself. His nightmares come frequently these days, and they all surround losing mommy.
We, as their parents, just try to survive each day with as little outbursts and explosions as possible. We are constantly diffusing difficult situations. We also live in fear of Josiah's next explosive episode, and hear the psychiatrist warn us that the next could be worse than the last. That in itself is enough the scare the crap out of me. The words that stick out to me the most is that of our new psychiatrist (whom has been a Child Psych for 28 years, and 20 of those being the director of Child Psychiatry at Rutgers) telling us that she doesn't want to be sitting in a meeting 6 months from now thinking we should have done something back then.
The decision before us is one that no parent would ever want to make. And considering we have already made some of the most difficult parenting decisions in the past 6 months, this one isn't any easier to swallow. Also, taking into consideration his emotional state of being "unstabily stable" we face an unthinkable choice. Psychiatric Residential Treatment Services. (PRTS) He has already attended 2 different acute level service facilities, which have just proven to perpetuate a vicious cycle for him. We know he is trying but he literally can't help himself, that is why its called Mental Illness. I don't have any answers right now, but we are on a path headed towards PRTS and we all struggle daily!
Thank you for your continued love and support!
