My first 5k

I always enjoyed running. It goes back to when I joined the track team back in 7th grade. I was a fast runner, no really, I was, and I really enjoyed it! Somewhere along the way life took another course... school, marriage, then kids. I joined the gym after having Josiah and was able to get back into shape for a while. Then more life happened and another baby. I never have really got back to me. I sometimes wonder what happened to me, what happened to who Jennifer really is. I don't think the answer comes from who was I back then, b/c Lord knows that life is different now and it has changed me. Now I have had some time really look at right now and stop looking back, and figure out who is Jennifer, right now, right here, what I'm living today. I have a few answers.

The first is that I dearly love my family, but my boys have become my whole life. It's ok considering what we've been through the last 8 years but it's time to care of Jennifer so she can be a good mommy. Josiah's dr's actually have been urging me to take care of myself through all of this craziness. I think when Josiah's psychiatrist looked me in the eye and suggested that I take some time away from the kids, it finally hit me. But what the hell do I do when I don't know where to go!?

I really have taken some steps on this path over the last couple months. The second answer is I love reading. Prior to last month I had not read a whole book, for my own entertainment purposes, for over 8 years! Seriously! I'm not sure what exactly spurred on my fascination, but I decided to read the whole Twilight series of books to see what the heck everyone sees in that anyway. I was drawn into the books quickly and found myself devouring pages like they were chocolate, and staying up until midnight just reading a book! I was finally making the choice to do something for me and I didn't let myself feel guilty at all. I enjoyed the escape of everyday life and the multiple struggles through each and every day. I finally had my own little world to escape to after the kiddo's went to bed... and I really liked it!

Now that I had learned it was to actually spend time by myself in a safe place... at home in the next room to my sleeping babies. I began thinking of what other things interest me. The third answer was that I love to be outdoors with my kids, but honestly I really just like to take walks, love to go hiking, love the smell of fresh air, and love to chase my kids around(sometimes with the Nerf gun).

My hubby and I had a talk one night that we were both thinking about going for a run. He is super busy working as much as he can, and going to college full time this term so I know he doesn't have time to spare but I do, or at least I can carve out that time. I remembered that my niece asked me to do the Shamrock Run with her last year and I really wanted to say yes but I was working full time and could not spare the time. I looked it up online and once again the time has come around. It's 2 months away.... I think I can do that. My mom came home from work that day and mentioned that a lady she works with was trying to encourage anyone she could to do the race this year. I was thinking, I really want to do this. After a few more conversations with hubby, my niece, my sister, my folks and my kids, I decided that I can do it and I will. Hence #4 in redefining who I am today is rediscovering I really love to run!

To make sure that I will be ready for this race in 2 months and be able to actually RUN it, I have signed up at a local gym, less than a half mile away, on a month to month membership. Seriously it gets cold and windy, and recently, extremely wet...it's not fun to run in that. So in a little less than 2 months on March 18th, the day before my 18th anniversary, I will RUN the 5 k (3.1 miles)!

Overwhelmed

Life can be overwhelming for me at times. Today is one of those days where it would be easier to get caught up in a book and escape but I decided to bake some brownies and make Beef Bourguignon for dinner. There's nothing like being in the kitchen to provide a good escape. It's those quiet times chopping and sauteing veggies and meat that my mind can wander through all my roominating thoughts and somehow I can make better sense of a larger situation after having some quiet time for myself.

In my thoughts today... we have seen 3 dr's in the past 3 weeks (and one ER visit). First our Dev. pediatrician had some good thoughts to pass on. She also is worried about the same things that we are regarding school, plus had a few of her own to pass on. Josiah needs to gain some weight and there seems to be something new going on with his eyes. Some darkening on that back sides of his eyes... really don't know what that is but I will leave that for the opthamologist to deal with. She also talked about doing some Neuro-Psychology testing to help us figure out particular learning disabilities he may be experiencing and also flush out what his anxiety problems may be about as well. Many words that were mentioned were mood type disorders or generalized anxiety disorder as well as panic disorder. As if he needs anyone to lump on one more "diagnosis". But as another one of our Dr's mentioned, it's not that we (Dr's) are just trying to throw a diagnosis on Josiah, it's more we are trying to figure out the best ways to treat him and names help them do that... as well as keeping insurance paying for all these things as well.

Our regular Dr has been helping us with Josiah's continued urinary problems as well as the bowel issues (hence the ER visit). We are trying different things right now to help alleviate some pain and discomfort associated with these problems. I think the main thing is diet and keeping enough fiber in him plus maintaining a healthy enough that allows for weight gain.

Our most recent visit with Josiah's Psychiatrist, just hubby and I met with him, we were so glad to have this chance to talk freely about what is going on and voice our concerns. Some of the main topics mentioned again were NeuroPsych testing, figuring out the diagnosis so they can better treat him, and again we are pursuing a possible school change. This would not necessarily be another school, per say, but more of a day treatment center where they can not only teach him in a safer, more controlled environment but also provide different therapies that help him learn in the way he needs to learn. (He hasn't seemed to learn anything new this school year and we are quite concerned that if he continues to have school avoidance problems that later on in his school years that this will be much harder to deal as the older he gets.)

Now that I have finished several Dr's phone calls, 3 different pharmacy's, and a call to Mental Health insurance, and 2 Dr's emails written, I am ready to hang up my "organizer" hat for the day and head to the kitchen. Hoping I have enough energy leftover to channel my inner Julia Child and make some delicious dinner to nourish my family with.

Be blessed.

2011 (in Brief)

I just realized that I never posted one single blog from last year... and as I quickly thought over my year, I shivered. It was not a good year overall, but as I look back over my facebook status's I have found some good times too. I wanted to share a few brief highlights of each month.

January 2011

Josiah tried out for basketball and played 3 games. He really tried to like it, bless his heart, but alas he is just not cut out for team player games.

Jacob had an invisible friend, evidently it was a girl and she had a dog. :-) (Hilarious)

My lil sis Rachael left Oregon to make a new home for herself in Kailua, HI. We all sadly said goodbye.

My work wasn't too busy, but Jonny started full time at PCC.

February 2011

Josiah struggles with school heightened, actually he hated it, and we cut him back to half days.

Jacob was very sick this month, lots of bad coughing, but back to preschool eventually and loved his valentines party. And we had a monster truck bday party for him!

I was very stressed with my job this month and was tired all the time.

We had a couple dustings of snow, this brightened our moods.

March 2011

Josiah ran away from school, that was not a fun day, luckily they found him. We were thankful for the upcoming spring break!

Jacob had the cutest springtime preschool program. Loved all their sweet singing.

Came home after Spring Break camping at the Southern OR Coast, where I was sick for half of it, and it rained nearly 75% of the time, to find out we were getting a new boss at the apartments.

April 2011

Rough month, felt awful all month, very stressful and bad work stuff happening.

Josiah had many bad days not only at school but at home too.

Enjoyed a fun Hawaiian themed bday party at my sisters.

Josiah tried out a music class, and I got to go with Jacob's preschool to the zoo.

Ended the month saying goodbye to our 15 yr old dog, Curly.

May 2011

Had fun celebrating Mother's day at my sisters house for tea. LOVE!

Apartment work got extremely insanely busy and incredibly stressful and I began forgetting things... the stress was far beyond taking it's toll on me.

School wasn't too bad for Josiah, but therapy was super hard this month.

Jacob ended his first year of preschool, he cried as he said goodbye to some really good friends and irreplaceable teachers!

June 2011

Josiah ended his school year as well as Jonny finishing up 2 full time college terms. Relief was a key note. We attempted to get caught up with work but to no avail.

July 2011

Started out the month knowing that we would be leaving our job, we thought on our terms, but nope...they had other plans. We were forced to pack in 3 days and move out. My parents took us in on Jonny's birthday. We proceeded to attempt to make sense of what had happened and I think I lived in a state of shock and anger for the rest of the month.

Had a good visit with my lil sis, home visiting from HI.

By the end of the month, we began having fun together as a family, even taking a long awaited trip up to Mt St Helens.

August 2011

Had an amazing Vacation in McCall, ID! One that we will never forget, it was truly amazing, and brought us back together as a family!

My step-mom recovered from an illness, and I helped out whenever I could.

Spent rest of month exploring and adventuring with my boys, & loved reconnecting with them!

Oh...and can't forget Jacob slicing open his eyebrow on my dad's boat motor in the backyard.

September 2011

We attempted to make some assemblance of our lives and enrolled Josiah into yet another school to start 2nd grade and Jonny started another term at PCC. (This is Josiah's 4th school)

Jonny caught his very first Chinook Salmon on the Columbia River!

Josiah did well at first in school, he had a 3 week "honeymoon" period then he let loose.

We celebrated Josiah's bday party at our local pizza place and the boys loved playing the games.

October 2011

Josiah had several incidents at school, I was picking him more than I left him there... or at least it felt like that. Josiah's anxiety attacks peaked during this time, it was very hard to watch.

Lots more searching for direction for our family this month!

Had a quick beach camping trip and took the boys crabbing for the first time! Super fun!

Got Jacob enrolled in Preschool finally, he made friends immediately!

Jacob was a ghost for halloween and Josiah was just "fire."

November 2011

Josiah started having a few better days at school, lots of Dr's helping him this month, he had endoscope procedure that showed his reflux was on the mend with the new med.

By the end of the month Josiah made it through 1 week of school, where he made it all day, each day! (Sadly, he didn't have another week like this again)

Jonny's work really picked up thankfully just in time for him to get a new(to us) work van.

Spent many fun lunch dates with just Jacob!

December 2011

Spent a weekend away at Skamania Lodge in Stevenson, WA.

Josiah's anxiety peaked again at school, (mostly with getting off the bus). he was able to have some good moments right before Christmas break though.

Jacob loved telling me all about his preschool friends and adventures.

I was able to do a lot of Christmas baking this month; I loved it all!

Many good Christmas memories stored up with all our families!

Time...

Where has the time gone? As a child I never thought so much of it as it seemed to pass so slowly, but as an adult I frequently ask myself where does my time go?

Here I sit at my wonderful parents house, with an almost 5 yr old wild & crazy boy... my baby (whom I probably really can't call that anymore) my special 8 yr old boy (whom my life seems to revolve around at times, but I can't stop) and my supportive husband (who does work so hard to provide for us). I look back at our almost 18 years of marriage and see where we are now... so many questions whirl through my head. But it comes down to choices. We all make them, and it's by our own God-given free will that we can make good or bad ones, which place us on the path we currently take.

Where does my time get allotted to lately, things like... trips to the stores to either feed the family or clothe the boys, cleaning up giant piles of toys or clothes, keeping the boys from killing each other, managing tv and video game time, spend time talking and cuddling each boy each day, keeping up with preschool needs as well the many emails and phone calls from Josiah's school needs, driving to and from the many different Dr appts and therapy appts that help us manage our son's growing special needs, oh yes...and cooking and baking for my family (quite possibly the most enjoyable part of my day).....then occasionally slipping in a few minutes at the end of the day (for myself) to pick up a book and get lost in another reality besides my own.

Time is a "relative" sort of thing. It passes slowly at times (most likely when the kids are driving my insane) and so darn fast at other times (such as, treasured vacations). I am learning to slow my head down and try to enjoy something from each day.

I would like to say that I will get back to blogging regularly but I think that might be a little optimistic, for now I would love if you would stop by on occasion if you're interested in reading a little about what is happening in "our neck of the woods."

May you be blessed