Anxiety

Lately I have been feeling my own anxiety increasing but trying to keep it under control. Notice (trying) this is obviously easier said than done.

I realized that for the last couple months I have had a personal goal that has kept me focused and subsequently had a significant less anxiety level. I think training for my race not only had physical benefits but also provided a sound mind so to speak. Since my race I have slacked a bit on working out and I feel the anxious and panic-y thoughts creeping back in. I do realize what's going on but can't seem to do much about it as time is not as available as it once was. We are really actively trying to find our own place to live and that takes up most of my days, as well as keeping up with the new daily schedule of driving more and therapy appts and dr phone calls, oh well I could go on but you know what, it's just busy. My hope is that sometime soon I can return to running but for now I will take nightly walks with my kids in the neighborhood.

Another issue more recently is Josiah's rising anxiety level and after speaking with his psychiatrist this morning I realized why he has been so angry. We let him be involved in coming to look at a home we were interested in renting, but ever since he has been increasingly more angry with us. Well that and the holiday over the weekend has sent him into a high anxiety place again. Holidays are always super hard for him with all the people and noise and stress level that he is keenly aware of, it all makes his life feel out of control. We have learned to cut some things out of holidays and keep things more simplified, and that helps, but there are always more meltdowns. That's just sadly an unfortunate side effect of holidays in general fur our family.

I am looking forward to calmer days in our future, maybe after we move and find our own space, or maybe we get further away from the stress of holidays, or just calm-ness within ourselves. Either way I hope that comes soon!

My first 5k - Done!

Well I accomplished my goal to run the Shamrock Run, 5k portion. I really enjoyed the running part. The crowd and standing there in the cold, morning rain was probably my least favorite but comes along with the territory. :-)

Thanks to my dad for taking this cool shot of me starting the race, just so you know I really did end with a smile too! And yes, I LOVE my pink shirt!

We decided to take the Max train downtown b/c there was no way we were going to find parking available. Well there was so many people on our train that we literally stalled the train at the convention center. The conductor came over the radio and told us that too many people were standing in areas that were not supposed to be stood on, but evidently it set off something, and he had to shut off the whole train! So it all went dark and everybody was shocked. We were all packed in there like sardines and No power. It was almost enough to make me not ever want to take the train, ever again! But he got the power on and we coasted into downtown to Waterfront park with no further problems. :-) Phew!

I prepared myself for the race and my family went on ahead of the start line while I found myself a place amongst the 9-10 minute mile crowd. I knew that wasn't my best time but I honestly didn't want to go too far from people I knew. In Portland's best style it began drizzling heavily for the 20 minutes while we stood there waiting to start, but as soon as we started past the start line it stopped raining, I waved at my husband and kiddo's and entered my magical world whenever I run. Have I ever mentioned that my mind actually stops thinking about "stuff" and I actually relax and just enjoy the breeze on my face when I run? It went very well, I had to walk at one point to wait for an Amtrak train to zoom by, and then I had to walk up the hill in downtown towards the end of the race, it was an exhausting point for a hill! At last I finally crossed the finish line. In the end, I had run 3.1 miles in 36 minutes and 59 seconds! I was ecstatic because that was my best time! ( I averaged running a mile in just under 12 minutes)

I then proceeded to wander waterfront park for about 20-25 minutes looking for my family. One very nice lady finally let me use her phone to call my dad and Jonny to tell them where I was, however I only reached my dad but he told Jonny where to find me. So about 25 minutes after i crossed the finish line I found my family, my dad gave me hugs and left to go on to church. Then the four of us stood in line to get some free smoked salmon chowder. It was literally the best chowder in the world!!!

We boarded a Max train downtown and got back to our truck then headed home. I changed into normal clothes then went out for a celebratory lunch to an awesome Italian restaurant on Troutdale. It was a totally awesome morning, and one I will never forget!

I am actively seeking to find my next race, and hoping that I don't have to run by myself this next time. :-) Thank you everyone for all your support!

Excited and nervous

Josiah started his new "school" last Monday. That is the easiest way for us to explain this new program to him. He is still trying to understand why he has to go to the new place but the good thing is that he isn't mad at us anymore about it and has accepted that this is his new school for now. I think his understanding so far is that he needs to go here so they can help him learn new ways of handling school and his own behavior, which is pretty right on. So far, the first day was the worst. We'll just say that he has learned that he cannot run away from them, nor hit or kick at them. I think there will come a time (maybe soon) where he will test those boundaries again and once again find out what happens when he does that. Until then, he is getting some school work done in class, which is GREAT, and we really like his new therapist, she's totally awesome!!! I look forward the changes we have yet to see. I know their is a very bright future for our son and we see that glimmer on the horizon.

In one week I will be running the 3.1 mile race in downtown Portland. It starts early Sunday morning and I am feeling nervous and excited all at the same time. I'm not quite sure what to expect as it's my first race like this, so on one hand I can't wait for it to be over, but on the other I am excited to see this through and accomplish my goal! I am confident that I can run it (with some short walk breaks) and that was my goal as well.

I look forward to starting my next book "The Hunger Games". My sister lent me her copy and I would like to read it and then go see the movie with her when it comes to theaters. My reading list for this year is growing still so I plan to get going on it after my race.

Thanks for hanging in their with me, blessings to you.

A new day...and new challenges to face

Today Josiah started the day treatment program with Trillium Family services and I'm having a hard morning. It feels very clinical to me and I have had to take a step back and let them do their job. Meaning I don't walk him to class, which is a major difference for our morning routine, and he stays there for 6 hrs a day, which is also a big difference, since he had been attending school for only 3 hrs a day. (Another big change is the half hour drive to get to the school building, then drive home, and back again in the afternoon. That's 2 hrs a day on the road for Jacob and I. yeah the $4 for a gallon a gas now is REALLY sucking!!!) (This also means no more preschool for Jacob.) I am so anxious to hear how Josiah's day is going, but I will have to wait till pick up this afternoon at 2:45. Sometime very soon I should be getting a call from his therapist there to set up an appt with me to meet with her later this week. (Have I ever told you that I'm not a very patient person? waiting seriously sucks!) Anyway, after Josiah did some whining and complaining this morning I was able to get him dressed and out the door on time. I then walked up to the front door of the building, and left him with a guy that helped Josiah to his classroom. I said goodbye and he waved, then Jacob and I turned and walked away. That walk was one of the hardest things I've had to do in the past several weeks! I'll keep you updated.

Today my goal is to get back to working out every day since my 5k run is in 2 weeks! I have been able to go to the gym a couple days a week, and walk with the kids when I couldn't, but I really need to step up my game this week if I'm gonna be ready to run 3.1 miles by March 18th! Wish me luck!

Oh, and I've finished 2 books lately that have really inspired me in my running. I encourage you to pick up the books sometime. "The Walk" and "Miles to Go" by Richard Paul Evans. Really good books! I've done some serious soul searching as I've read them, it's been good for me.

Until next time, be blessed!

2 weeks later

Well it has been 2 weeks since I'd been told it could be 2 weeks before he could be accepted into the new day treatment program AND I'm still waiting for them to call me for the intake appt. I'm really trying to be patient but it's super hard. Especially given our last couple weeks. Josiah's anxiety has gotten to a level that's not only hard at school (well nearly impossible there) but incredibly difficult to deal with at home. He's definitely going through some of the hardest emotional "stuff" I think he ever has!

I wish I could explain what we deal with here at home but honestly it's hard to explain. He's a mess lately and it's hard to watch this and not know what to do. I really am hoping the treatment center calls soon!

Today I met with Social Security for our last and final meeting regarding Josiah's eligibility for services. The news is that he has been found eligible under Autism and ADHD. So it's official... he is considered disabled and I am his caretaker. I find it so surreal to have this put in writing by this point in our lives. We have been through sooooo much with this dear child, but now it is federally found that he is disabled and is eligible for benefits. It's a great accomplishment to finally get this, so why do I feel so discouraged tonight? I think taking care of him is something that I just do and not think about the big picture, but to sit and listen to somebody explain all that I already do... and then some... was quite undeniably real for me.

I think I will just wake up tomorrow and begin another as they all do, and continue the work that I always do. :-)

On another thought...I finished a book this week. It was really thought provoking. I find myself still thinking about the sub-plot and characters introduced and the ending. Such an odd ending! I do see there is a second book, I may have to get this soon to answer some unanswered questions the ending left behind. The book is called "The Walk" by Richard Paul Evans.

Oh yes, and my training is going well. The 5k is 3 and 1/2 weeks away now and I am still struggling to run the whole 3 miles but I am able to run a mile in about 11-12 minutes. I run/walk about 13-17 miles a week. I can feel a difference already and have lost about 6 pounds. I am excited for the run but I am really hoping that I will just not make a fool of myself on race day. (Don't we all hope that simple fact at some point in our lives?)

News

Just a catch up post on the home-front.

(please excuse the random thoughts)

Josiah's anxiety has been through the roof lately, and we have begun a trial run of a new medication called Fluoxetine. It's an anti-depressant used in children with anxiety and panic attacks. We are keeping a close eye on him during this time. We have seen so much from him in the last 2 weeks it's been hard to decipher what is causing the mood swings. He has an ever-increasing hard time staying in school all day due to the anxiety and stress caused mainly by learning, and being in a classroom atmosphere and all that encompasses. (Imagine a loud, crazy room filled with people your own age, that you don't know how to talk to, and they are all learning something you don't understand yet, they all know how to read better than you, and the teacher is talking too fast and wait... did everyone just move on and now they are sitting on the floor listening to him talk about something I have no idea what it is... oh crap, I'm lost again.) Well, that's general ed for Josiah, so he mostly stays in his special ed class now, but he is now able to attend some small groups (with only 1 or 2 other kids for help with reading and math). He also attends a group with a couple other kids to learn how to interact with children his own age. That is his toughest group. We are working to help him be able to stay in school all day but this is a daily challenge to manage his anxiety well enough that he can do so. He did stay all day yesterday, but had many challenges through-out the day. We are all hoping for the best today but as I said it's daily challenges and he did not sleep well last night and past circumstances tell me that's not a good way to start the day for him. Still hoping!

We also received some great news from the insurance company last week. They have agreed to fund a day treatment program, that will temporarily take over the school day, therapy, and intense psychological services. This program may last from 6 months up to a year. The one hitch is that we are on a waiting list to get into this awesome program. It could be 2 weeks or maybe a month or 2, we are not sure. For now, we wait... again... until then we will continue to try to get him through his day at his current school, and continue getting in place an IEP for next school year. I will pass along more info as it comes in. As you can see, I don't have the details yet and am not sure what this new placement will exactly look like for him, so please be patient along with me until I can share more information as it becomes available.

On a personal level, I have already run over 23 miles in the last 3 weeks in preparation for the 5K Shamrock Run in March. I have enjoyed preparing my mind and body for this race. I don't expect to place in any record levels here, I am simply doing this for me. I set myself a goal, and that is simply that I be able to RUN 3.1 miles in whatever my best time may be at the time. Of course I would love to be able to run it in less than a half hour but I realize setting up those kind of goals may be too overwhelming for me, so I am just doing the best I can and am completely happy with that! I am working on my cardio endurance right now by running intervals. Meaning I run for maybe 2 minutes then walk for 2 minutes, by the end of this month I should be able to run for longer periods and walk for shorter ones but again we shall see. Right now, I can run for about 5 minutes without absolutely needing to slow to a walk, pretty happy with that.

I just finished a Nicholas Sparks book, (The Lucky One), it was very interesting. Not something I am used to reading but I am enjoying branching out and reading different things. Next I will try a Richard Paul Evans... then maybe The Hunger Games. I hope you enjoy watching my reading list (on my sidebar) grow this year as much as I do.

Until next time.... be blessed.

My first 5k

I always enjoyed running. It goes back to when I joined the track team back in 7th grade. I was a fast runner, no really, I was, and I really enjoyed it! Somewhere along the way life took another course... school, marriage, then kids. I joined the gym after having Josiah and was able to get back into shape for a while. Then more life happened and another baby. I never have really got back to me. I sometimes wonder what happened to me, what happened to who Jennifer really is. I don't think the answer comes from who was I back then, b/c Lord knows that life is different now and it has changed me. Now I have had some time really look at right now and stop looking back, and figure out who is Jennifer, right now, right here, what I'm living today. I have a few answers.

The first is that I dearly love my family, but my boys have become my whole life. It's ok considering what we've been through the last 8 years but it's time to care of Jennifer so she can be a good mommy. Josiah's dr's actually have been urging me to take care of myself through all of this craziness. I think when Josiah's psychiatrist looked me in the eye and suggested that I take some time away from the kids, it finally hit me. But what the hell do I do when I don't know where to go!?

I really have taken some steps on this path over the last couple months. The second answer is I love reading. Prior to last month I had not read a whole book, for my own entertainment purposes, for over 8 years! Seriously! I'm not sure what exactly spurred on my fascination, but I decided to read the whole Twilight series of books to see what the heck everyone sees in that anyway. I was drawn into the books quickly and found myself devouring pages like they were chocolate, and staying up until midnight just reading a book! I was finally making the choice to do something for me and I didn't let myself feel guilty at all. I enjoyed the escape of everyday life and the multiple struggles through each and every day. I finally had my own little world to escape to after the kiddo's went to bed... and I really liked it!

Now that I had learned it was to actually spend time by myself in a safe place... at home in the next room to my sleeping babies. I began thinking of what other things interest me. The third answer was that I love to be outdoors with my kids, but honestly I really just like to take walks, love to go hiking, love the smell of fresh air, and love to chase my kids around(sometimes with the Nerf gun).

My hubby and I had a talk one night that we were both thinking about going for a run. He is super busy working as much as he can, and going to college full time this term so I know he doesn't have time to spare but I do, or at least I can carve out that time. I remembered that my niece asked me to do the Shamrock Run with her last year and I really wanted to say yes but I was working full time and could not spare the time. I looked it up online and once again the time has come around. It's 2 months away.... I think I can do that. My mom came home from work that day and mentioned that a lady she works with was trying to encourage anyone she could to do the race this year. I was thinking, I really want to do this. After a few more conversations with hubby, my niece, my sister, my folks and my kids, I decided that I can do it and I will. Hence #4 in redefining who I am today is rediscovering I really love to run!

To make sure that I will be ready for this race in 2 months and be able to actually RUN it, I have signed up at a local gym, less than a half mile away, on a month to month membership. Seriously it gets cold and windy, and recently, extremely wet...it's not fun to run in that. So in a little less than 2 months on March 18th, the day before my 18th anniversary, I will RUN the 5 k (3.1 miles)!

Overwhelmed

Life can be overwhelming for me at times. Today is one of those days where it would be easier to get caught up in a book and escape but I decided to bake some brownies and make Beef Bourguignon for dinner. There's nothing like being in the kitchen to provide a good escape. It's those quiet times chopping and sauteing veggies and meat that my mind can wander through all my roominating thoughts and somehow I can make better sense of a larger situation after having some quiet time for myself.

In my thoughts today... we have seen 3 dr's in the past 3 weeks (and one ER visit). First our Dev. pediatrician had some good thoughts to pass on. She also is worried about the same things that we are regarding school, plus had a few of her own to pass on. Josiah needs to gain some weight and there seems to be something new going on with his eyes. Some darkening on that back sides of his eyes... really don't know what that is but I will leave that for the opthamologist to deal with. She also talked about doing some Neuro-Psychology testing to help us figure out particular learning disabilities he may be experiencing and also flush out what his anxiety problems may be about as well. Many words that were mentioned were mood type disorders or generalized anxiety disorder as well as panic disorder. As if he needs anyone to lump on one more "diagnosis". But as another one of our Dr's mentioned, it's not that we (Dr's) are just trying to throw a diagnosis on Josiah, it's more we are trying to figure out the best ways to treat him and names help them do that... as well as keeping insurance paying for all these things as well.

Our regular Dr has been helping us with Josiah's continued urinary problems as well as the bowel issues (hence the ER visit). We are trying different things right now to help alleviate some pain and discomfort associated with these problems. I think the main thing is diet and keeping enough fiber in him plus maintaining a healthy enough that allows for weight gain.

Our most recent visit with Josiah's Psychiatrist, just hubby and I met with him, we were so glad to have this chance to talk freely about what is going on and voice our concerns. Some of the main topics mentioned again were NeuroPsych testing, figuring out the diagnosis so they can better treat him, and again we are pursuing a possible school change. This would not necessarily be another school, per say, but more of a day treatment center where they can not only teach him in a safer, more controlled environment but also provide different therapies that help him learn in the way he needs to learn. (He hasn't seemed to learn anything new this school year and we are quite concerned that if he continues to have school avoidance problems that later on in his school years that this will be much harder to deal as the older he gets.)

Now that I have finished several Dr's phone calls, 3 different pharmacy's, and a call to Mental Health insurance, and 2 Dr's emails written, I am ready to hang up my "organizer" hat for the day and head to the kitchen. Hoping I have enough energy leftover to channel my inner Julia Child and make some delicious dinner to nourish my family with.

Be blessed.

2011 (in Brief)

I just realized that I never posted one single blog from last year... and as I quickly thought over my year, I shivered. It was not a good year overall, but as I look back over my facebook status's I have found some good times too. I wanted to share a few brief highlights of each month.

January 2011

Josiah tried out for basketball and played 3 games. He really tried to like it, bless his heart, but alas he is just not cut out for team player games.

Jacob had an invisible friend, evidently it was a girl and she had a dog. :-) (Hilarious)

My lil sis Rachael left Oregon to make a new home for herself in Kailua, HI. We all sadly said goodbye.

My work wasn't too busy, but Jonny started full time at PCC.

February 2011

Josiah struggles with school heightened, actually he hated it, and we cut him back to half days.

Jacob was very sick this month, lots of bad coughing, but back to preschool eventually and loved his valentines party. And we had a monster truck bday party for him!

I was very stressed with my job this month and was tired all the time.

We had a couple dustings of snow, this brightened our moods.

March 2011

Josiah ran away from school, that was not a fun day, luckily they found him. We were thankful for the upcoming spring break!

Jacob had the cutest springtime preschool program. Loved all their sweet singing.

Came home after Spring Break camping at the Southern OR Coast, where I was sick for half of it, and it rained nearly 75% of the time, to find out we were getting a new boss at the apartments.

April 2011

Rough month, felt awful all month, very stressful and bad work stuff happening.

Josiah had many bad days not only at school but at home too.

Enjoyed a fun Hawaiian themed bday party at my sisters.

Josiah tried out a music class, and I got to go with Jacob's preschool to the zoo.

Ended the month saying goodbye to our 15 yr old dog, Curly.

May 2011

Had fun celebrating Mother's day at my sisters house for tea. LOVE!

Apartment work got extremely insanely busy and incredibly stressful and I began forgetting things... the stress was far beyond taking it's toll on me.

School wasn't too bad for Josiah, but therapy was super hard this month.

Jacob ended his first year of preschool, he cried as he said goodbye to some really good friends and irreplaceable teachers!

June 2011

Josiah ended his school year as well as Jonny finishing up 2 full time college terms. Relief was a key note. We attempted to get caught up with work but to no avail.

July 2011

Started out the month knowing that we would be leaving our job, we thought on our terms, but nope...they had other plans. We were forced to pack in 3 days and move out. My parents took us in on Jonny's birthday. We proceeded to attempt to make sense of what had happened and I think I lived in a state of shock and anger for the rest of the month.

Had a good visit with my lil sis, home visiting from HI.

By the end of the month, we began having fun together as a family, even taking a long awaited trip up to Mt St Helens.

August 2011

Had an amazing Vacation in McCall, ID! One that we will never forget, it was truly amazing, and brought us back together as a family!

My step-mom recovered from an illness, and I helped out whenever I could.

Spent rest of month exploring and adventuring with my boys, & loved reconnecting with them!

Oh...and can't forget Jacob slicing open his eyebrow on my dad's boat motor in the backyard.

September 2011

We attempted to make some assemblance of our lives and enrolled Josiah into yet another school to start 2nd grade and Jonny started another term at PCC. (This is Josiah's 4th school)

Jonny caught his very first Chinook Salmon on the Columbia River!

Josiah did well at first in school, he had a 3 week "honeymoon" period then he let loose.

We celebrated Josiah's bday party at our local pizza place and the boys loved playing the games.

October 2011

Josiah had several incidents at school, I was picking him more than I left him there... or at least it felt like that. Josiah's anxiety attacks peaked during this time, it was very hard to watch.

Lots more searching for direction for our family this month!

Had a quick beach camping trip and took the boys crabbing for the first time! Super fun!

Got Jacob enrolled in Preschool finally, he made friends immediately!

Jacob was a ghost for halloween and Josiah was just "fire."

November 2011

Josiah started having a few better days at school, lots of Dr's helping him this month, he had endoscope procedure that showed his reflux was on the mend with the new med.

By the end of the month Josiah made it through 1 week of school, where he made it all day, each day! (Sadly, he didn't have another week like this again)

Jonny's work really picked up thankfully just in time for him to get a new(to us) work van.

Spent many fun lunch dates with just Jacob!

December 2011

Spent a weekend away at Skamania Lodge in Stevenson, WA.

Josiah's anxiety peaked again at school, (mostly with getting off the bus). he was able to have some good moments right before Christmas break though.

Jacob loved telling me all about his preschool friends and adventures.

I was able to do a lot of Christmas baking this month; I loved it all!

Many good Christmas memories stored up with all our families!

Time...

Where has the time gone? As a child I never thought so much of it as it seemed to pass so slowly, but as an adult I frequently ask myself where does my time go?

Here I sit at my wonderful parents house, with an almost 5 yr old wild & crazy boy... my baby (whom I probably really can't call that anymore) my special 8 yr old boy (whom my life seems to revolve around at times, but I can't stop) and my supportive husband (who does work so hard to provide for us). I look back at our almost 18 years of marriage and see where we are now... so many questions whirl through my head. But it comes down to choices. We all make them, and it's by our own God-given free will that we can make good or bad ones, which place us on the path we currently take.

Where does my time get allotted to lately, things like... trips to the stores to either feed the family or clothe the boys, cleaning up giant piles of toys or clothes, keeping the boys from killing each other, managing tv and video game time, spend time talking and cuddling each boy each day, keeping up with preschool needs as well the many emails and phone calls from Josiah's school needs, driving to and from the many different Dr appts and therapy appts that help us manage our son's growing special needs, oh yes...and cooking and baking for my family (quite possibly the most enjoyable part of my day).....then occasionally slipping in a few minutes at the end of the day (for myself) to pick up a book and get lost in another reality besides my own.

Time is a "relative" sort of thing. It passes slowly at times (most likely when the kids are driving my insane) and so darn fast at other times (such as, treasured vacations). I am learning to slow my head down and try to enjoy something from each day.

I would like to say that I will get back to blogging regularly but I think that might be a little optimistic, for now I would love if you would stop by on occasion if you're interested in reading a little about what is happening in "our neck of the woods."

May you be blessed